Self-compassion talk gets thrown around a lot these days. Do you ever get told you ‘just need to have some compassion for yourself?’ or ‘you are always too hard on yourself!’ Have you ever found that it’s much easier to have compassion for others, than it is for yourself? Being able to have compassion for yourself is very relevant when trying to heal a relationship, such as your relationship with food (in this context). This article delves deeper into the art of self-compassion and how you can kickstart your own.

What is self-compassion?

Self-compassion involves showing kindness to yourself, which happens when you have a non-judgmental understanding of yourself. This is easier said than done. As humans, we tend to find it a lot easier to be kinder and have more compassion towards others. This could be due to habits of holding ourselves to a much higher threshold (stemming from how we’ve been brought up).

Unfortunately, having a lack of self-compassion could be holding you back. Studies have shown that having self-compassion is associated with a reduction in body dissatisfaction,¹ as well as having ‘beneficial associations with body image and eating behaviours.’² As well as this, self-compassion has explicitly been linked with intuitive eating and found to be promising when used as acceptance-based therapy.³

Why is Self-Compassion integral in becoming an Intuitive Eater?

The Intuitive Eating process involves rewiring your thoughts around food. You can read more about the intuitive eating process here. It can initially be scary to completely let go of any diet rules which you’ve followed for years, let alone give yourself unconditional permission to eat. In this uncomfortable place, having self-compassion is a massive help.

A lack of self-compassion can lead to strong, negative feelings and self-critical talk, which causes us to beat ourselves up whenever we feel we’ve made a mistake. This can create a cycle of unhealthy behaviours. For example, in a food context, beating yourself up could lead to the binge/restrict cycle. An example of being stuck in diet culture:

Self-Critical: “I gave in. I was so hungry and just couldn’t stop eating. I didn’t just eat one row of chocolate; I ate two whole bars! I’m so disgusting. Why did I do that? Why don’t I have the same willpower as everybody else? Tomorrow I’m going to be extra strict with my food to make up for what I’ve just eaten today.”

Can you recognise the type of self-talk in this example? It’s so negative and such a common theme amongst those stuck in diet culture. What is the ticket out of this? Self-compassion. It can make a big difference on influencing behaviour. For example:

Self-Compassionate: “I just ate two whole bars of chocolate and I’m feeling a bit stuffed. I guess I need to remind myself in this situation that after having restricted myself for so long, it’s natural that I can’t stop eating this quantity of chocolate which I’ve never allowed myself to have before. But I’m so proud of myself for giving up the diets once and for all! This is just a part of my learning process. I need to forgive myself and move on with my day.”

Can you notice the difference in the style of self-talk between the two examples? The self-criticising talk keeps the person forever stuck in a cycle of beating themselves up, which leads to unhealthy punishing behaviours (such as bingeing). In contrast, the self-compassionate talk has stepped back and recognised the reasons behind what has happened and therefore has room to be kind and understanding towards themselves. They have acknowledged what has happened and allowed themselves to move on with their day. This will help them to resume a ‘normal’ pattern of eating and be happier with their feelings surrounding food.

When you consider these examples, it’s not surprising that those who struggle the most with disordered eating have the highest levels of self-criticism. When healing your relationship with food, having self-compassion can make the process easier and propel your progress.

How to kickstart your self-compassion

Self-compassion takes practice. If you’ve been using self-critical talk for most of your life, you’re going to need patience with yourself; it can be like learning a new language!

Start with Mindfulness – self-compassion means having an awareness of a situation as whole. This could mean pausing, taking a big breath and a step back. By practicing a form of mindfulness, such as meditation or the breathing exercise below, you’re allowing yourself to see the whole picture.

A simple exercise to get started: Breathing

Start by sitting in a comfortable position with your hands placed on your lap. Close your eyes and take a large, cleansing breath in through your nose, and out through your mouth. You’re going to breathe to a count of 6, whilst visualising the sides of a square. For example:

• Breathe in for a count of 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, whilst visualising moving up one side of the square
• Hold your breath for 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, moving across the top of the square
• Breathe out for 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, moving down the other side of the square
• Hold your breath for 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, moving across the bottom of the square, back to where you started

This is one cycle of breath. You can do as many cycles as you like. You could set yourself a timer and start with just two minutes a day, gradually building up to as much time as you feel benefits you. The purpose of the exercise is to clear your mind by focussing purely on your breath and visualisation of moving around the square. If a random thought pops up, acknowledge it, then turn your attention back to your breath.

Further resources on Mindfulness:

Books:

• Mindfulness, Plain and Simple: A practical guide to inner peace by Oli Doyle
• Introducing Mindfulness: A practical guide by Tessa Watt

Apps:

• Calm
• Headspace

Websites:

• Mindful.org
• YouTube – The School of Life

Podcasts:

• 10% Happier with Dan Harris
• Where is my mind?

Once you’ve practiced mindfulness, you’re in an easier position to build up your self-compassion. It can be easier to start by imagining a scenario with a friend:

• Imagine a situation which you would have criticised yourself for in the past.
• Now imagine one of your close friends / loved ones in that situation
• What would you say to them?
• Is your talk to your friend more compassionate than it is to yourself?
• Next time you find yourself in a challenging situation, remember what you would say if it was happening to a friend
• Turn that language back on yourself, you deserve kindness too!

Another useful exercise is acceptance when you find yourself in a challenging scenario. It can help to take the following steps:

• Acknowledge that this moment is a struggle (your mindfulness practice will improve your awareness in these situations)
• Remember that you are not alone or abnormal, many people will be struggling with a similar thing, just the same as you
• Breathe
• Take a step back and have an understanding of the situation; remember that you are human, everyone makes mistakes, life is a learning process
• Say something kind to yourself e.g. “I am good enough as I am.”
• Remind yourself that it’s not the end of the world, you are going to be ok.
• Forgive the situation and move on

Are you ready to find your self-compassion?

Self-compassion is a powerful tool. It can be the difference between ending the day on a high or feeling miserable. The best thing about it is that it’s free! You just need to allow yourself access to it.

Do you struggle with self-critical talk when it comes to food? If you would like help in healing your relationship with food, request your free discovery call here.

References

1. Albertson, E.R., Neff, K.D. and Dill-Shackleford, K.E. (2015). Self-compassion and body dissatisfaction in women: A randomized controlled trial of a brief meditation intervention. Mindfulness, 6(3), pp.444-454.
2. Braun, T.D., Park, C.L. and Gorin, A. (2016). Self-compassion, body image, and disordered eating: A review of the literature. Body image, 17, pp.117-131.
3. Schoenefeld, S.J. and Webb, J.B. (2013). Self-compassion and intuitive eating in college women: Examining the contributions of distress tolerance and body image acceptance and action. Eating Behaviors, 14(4), pp.493-496.